Friday, December 29, 2006

Lies My Parents Told Me, When I Figured Out They Were Lies, and The Probability I Will Tell The Lies To My Offspring

  • Santa Claus, existence of: June 18, 1977, 3:18pm; 100%
  • Easter Bunny, existence of: June 18, 1977, 3:18pm; 100%
  • Tooth Fairy, existence of: June 18, 1977, 3:19pm; 99%
  • God, existence of: February 4, 1984, 6:27pm; 88%
  • I can’t swim for half an hour after eating: July 4, 1981, 3:03pm; 73%
  • The vitamins in bread are “in the crust”: April 22, 1977, 6:11pm; 2%
  • Eating beef does not mean, as I posited, you are “eating cow muscles”: March 2, 1984, 6:18pm; 1%
  • “Duty Free” is only for foreigners: (this actually might be true; I need to investigate further); N/A
  • I can be President: October 11, 1989, 3:38pm; 78%
  • I can be “whatever I want to be”: November 28, 1995, 2:14pm; 82%
  • It’s not whether I win or lose: August 13, 1978, 11:31am; 80%
  • It’s how I play the game: August 13, 1978, 11:32am; 79%
  • Everything will be OK: February 3, 1973, 2:31pm; 100%

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Friday, December 15, 2006

Most Wonderful

You know that Christmas song that goes “It’s the most wonderful time of the year?”

OK, so you know how it has that one part that talks about “scary ghost stories”?
What’s that about? Did people used to do that? I mean, I know: A Christmas Carol, but other than that, did people used to sit around during Christmas telling ghost stories? That sounds awesome! We should totally bring that back.

(Please note: THIS WAS WRITTEN BY A GHOST!!!!!!!!!)
OK, your turn.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

It is way difficult to type "Ed edited it" without spaces

Seriously, try it:
Ededitedit. Ediedit. Ededitiedit.
And but so plus in addition to making it easier to type that sentence, according to Wikipedia, in computer games you can also use the space bar for “jumping”! And in other applications for “adding marks to check boxes”!
Oh, and on a Space Cadet Keyboard, Control + Meta + Hyper + Super + Space Bar types an Octal 40!
Thank you, space bar! You rock so hard!

Oh, also: it is fun to say out loud that something has “Cinnamon and lemon in it.”
But that doesn’t have anything to do with the space bar, so maybe ignore this part.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Back off, Lethem

Eat it, HUDSara Gran totally stole my idea of writing about Vinegar Hill, so I had to build a small cardboard house out of the box the office chair we just ordered came in, in order to stake my claim.

Let the word go out to everyone:
I call dibs on writing about one-room cardboard houses on fourth floor walk-ups in South Slope.



N.B. Before any Architectural Critics (or “Snarkitects” as Heidi Julavits and I like to call them whenever we’re hanging out) raise the issue that I have assembled the bricks as if the house were constructed within the game “Breakout” (or “Arkanoid”, for you youngsters) as opposed to traditional staggered brick format, and that my method lacks “basic structural integrity” and is
“doomed to collapse even more spectacularly than the downtown office complex project at 34th St. and Oak, please note that the house is also assembled with a total of 407 Hurriquakes.

So shut it.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Good Nabors

Samantha: Um, I put a new post up on Babelpop.
People Who Read Babelpop: Wow, that month went fast.

EXEUNT

Monday, December 04, 2006

The Randy Norseman, Episode 1: At the Home Depot

FADE IN.

Interior. Day.
The Randy Norseman is at a Home Depot talking to a sales clerk.

Randy Norseman: So... Tell me more about this “leif blower”...

FADE OUT.


Epilogue:
The Randy Norseman converted to Christianity and died.

Today's Edition of "Irony Explained to the Times Staff"

The reason Stoppard said he “loves scrims” is because your last name is Merkin.

He’s toying with you.


Stupid Times Select. Next time, bring your A game.

UPDATE: Here is Daphne Merkin's Introduction to Film Techniques Final Project, a short film about how she couldn't come up with an idea for a short film, and so she made a film about that.