Thursday, August 28, 2008

Malo malo malo malo

Hot on the heels of the "Buffalo" post (i.e., hot on the heels when you consider how long ago the dinosaurs lived), comes, "James while John had had had had had had had had had had had a better effect on the teacher."

I plan to diagram this sentence shortly, but I need to go to my parents' house to get my spriograph out of the attic.



hi, my name is patrick and i read wikipedia and then i tell people about things i read do you want to be my friend

perfectly good white boy

Doree Shafrir had a post about the 80s canon and “Better Off Dead” in particular, and I was thinking about the guy who wrote/directed that movie (as well as other end-of-the-cold-war-Cusack vehicle “One Crazy Summer”): “Savage” Steve Holland.

And Also: how I was recently watching some Nick or Disney (Nick, I think) show for tweens with my nephews, and at the end I was surprised that it was directed by “S”SH, and then not surprised? Because what are all of those shows but those two movies with slightly more self-consciously sitcommy acting?

And so I went on this interesting site called www.wikipedia.org and looked him up, and do you know what “S”SH did, in addition to making the two greatest films of the 1980s (and yes, I’m including “Three Men and a Baby” in this assessment)?

This is what he did:
HE ANIMATED THE “WHAMMY” FOR THE GAMESHOW “PRESS YOUR LUCK”.

And yet I don’t see his name on the list of medal winners on the Congressional Medal of Honor page.
WTF, past Presidents in the name of Congress?

I can’t find his date of birth, but once I do, I think the least we should do is wear our collars up on that day.

And peg our jeans?


Yes.
And peg our jeans.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Most alarming headline you will read today

No. It is not the one about the woman who upset people by cloning her pit bull ("Booger") five times and was subsequently shown to be linked to an abduction case involving a Mormon missionary in England, whom she handcuffed to a bed with mink-lined handcuffs and made her sex slave, and has now also been alleged (the woman has) to have instructed a 15-year-old boy to break into a house in Tennessee to steal some money the woman needed to buy a false leg for a beloved horse.

NO.
It is not that. Because the headline does not exist that could convey all of that. (Although we are happy to see that the Ghost of Michael O'Donoghue Now Working as a Copywriter is still working his magic.)*

NO.
The most alarming headline you will read today is:

Ernest Borgnine: "I Masturbate A Lot" (VIDEO).
(via, indirectly)


(It's that parenthetical that gets you.)

* Where is fakeghostofmichaelodonoghuenowworkingasacopywriter's tumblr, by the way? I'm way too busy setting up fakehenrydarger's tumblr to do this.

Sample posts:
> Just made some toast. Also, I think girls have tiny little penises.

> Been enjoying the Olympics. Interesting how you can barely see the tiny penises on some of the girl gymnasts.

> I've been thinking that I will change the name of my story to "The Story of the Vivian Girls, in What is known as the Realms of the Unreal, of the Glandeco-Angelinnian War Storm, Caused by the Child Slave Rebellion" from "The Story of the Vivian Girls, Who All Have Tiny Penises" because that would go without saying! Am I right, people?


..Sooo, someone else take charge here?
OKTHANKSBYE

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

tildetastic

I was poking around the McSweeney's archives, which I find myself holding off reading and then reading a lot of it at once, as if it were a neglected article of clothing that eventually guilts me into wearing it (looking at you, hypercolor socks), and this thing by Dave Ng, None of My Science Piñatas Are Appropriate for Children, reminded me of a better version of something I had typed a long time ago (9/25/06): the first paragraph of Early Draft of Text Automatically Attached to the End of Outgoing Emails from Horizon Securities Ltd. (which itself was politely declined for publication by McSweeney's, around 2005 or thereabouts, if I'm remembering correctly) (at the time it was easy to pretend that they were afraid they wouldn't be able to render a tilde on their website; now I think I will pretend that they will be afraid that the site is becoming too piñata-y) (it's ok McSweeney's; I bear you no rancor).

Anyway, 9/25/06 = made me want to go back and see when the first post was and it was this: July 26, 2006. That means this blog's second birthday was a week and a half ago! If you forgot to send a birthday presents to the blog, c/o me, here is a fact: Since I work remotely part time, I am at a weird place in my wardrobe-cycle where I actually need more crummy T-shirts to wear around the house.

THUS: Here is the short list of T-shirts I need for my blog to have a good birthday:

OK, I think that's it.
PLEASE DO NOT SEND HYPERCOLOR SOCKS.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, THIS BLOG.

Friday, August 01, 2008

As everyone already knows

One Person Trend Stories are this summer's Lonelygirl15 (advice to Lonelygirl15 people if that's still going on: turn it into a tumblr and people will pay attention again).

But what everyone doesn't know is what my favorite part of each one is.
As a public service announcement: This is my favorite part of each one.

When it comes, I always smile, and when it's not there, I feel weird all day.

It's like that homeless guy on La Salle that asks for non-McDonalds food and then regardless of the reply says "God bless you." When he wasn't there on Tuesday, everything got thrown off for me psychically. Thank God he was back on Wednesday.


No one buy that guy a home!
It will mess me up.

Origin of the word "Ravenous"

(Source: OED)

There used to be a time when people walked around going, “Man, that guy’s as hungry as a raven,” or “Today, I am so hungry, I could eat as much as a raven could,” and then finally someone said, “You know what? We’re wasting all this time using this really labored metaphor. Let’s just start saying, I’m ravenous.”
SO: hats off to that guy.

(Or gal.)


(also: this is not really the source of the word "ravenous")
(this just seemed funny at 2am)