Saturday, August 29, 2009

When I Squeeze My Mind Grapes, the Resulting Wine Metaphor Trends Toward the Upper Echelons of the Middle Brow

On the bike path today I was behind a guy with extremely localized butt sweat such that if he had been wearing Winkers, it would have been like in Henry and June when Maria de Medeiros taps Fred Ward on the shoulder during Un Chien Andalou (or maybe Heddy Lamar in Ecstasy Featuring Heddy Lamar I can't remember) and anyway Fred Ward turns around and his face is blanked out by tears.

OPEN LETTER TO WINKERS CREATORS: PLEASE MAKE FRED WARD BIKING SHORTS

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

this is just in case you forgot

what it felt like

Tom Delay to Appear on Dancing with the Stars

Respect.


Presumably dancing to La Cucaracha will be deemed a little too inside baseball.


Whatever, SUGAR LAND PRIDE Y'ALL!!!!!!111!11
Also, Baylor pride.

Full disclosure: Tom Delay was an exterminator in Sugar Land and I grew up in Sugar Land and later went to Baylor and Tom Delay is whatever you call the cancer that cancer gets.

Monday, August 03, 2009

Adwear

This is only allowed to work once every fifteen years[*], specifically I refer to:
USING POETRY TO SELL ME PANTS

And I don't know how they (= advertisers) know when the fifteen years is up (maybe Start>All Programs>Accessories>Calculator? I DON'T KNOW) or whose turn it is to employ said advertising technique, but Max Blagg shilling for GAP from 1992:



..has toootally been replaced by Walt Whitman unknowingly (?**) shilling for Levi's, a pants concern:



(N.B. remember when Gap was called "The Gap" and remember when they announced they would no longer be selling Levi's and would instead sell their own brand and our moms were like, "Whaaaaaat?" and then it turned out to be a good idea (for a while)?)

I'm all like:
On the one hand it would seem that in the course of using a poem for advertising jeans, anything is likely to happen.
But on the other hand, this apparent arbitrariness is belied by the astounding similarity between poems used for advertising jeans collected in widely different ad agencies.
Therefore the problem: If the content of advertisements for pants is contingent, how are we to explain the fact that ads from different agencies are so similar, LOL?

(You guys! Did you know French anthropologist L
évi-Strauss is different from jeans maker Levi Strauss?)

(Develop this thought.)



*(Shaggy's "Boombastic" doesn't count)

**Or maybe knowingly; I may be confused.
SPOILER ALERT: DON DRAPER'S REAL LAST NAME IS "WHITMAN"!
SPOLIER ALERT II: RACHEL MENKEN REJECTS DON DRAPER NÉE WHITMAN AND MARRIES A GUY NAMED "TILDEN KATZ", WHICH IS LIKE THE 1960S WAY OF SAYING "ADAM GOLDBERG" SO THIS MAKES ALL OF THE DEUTSCHER GRUß IN THE ADVERTISEMENT AT 0:27 OK? OR MAYBE IT MAKES IT NOT OK IT IS SO HARD TO TELL WHAT TO THINK WHEN I AM THINKING ABOUT BUYING PANTS


Anyway, this just makes me want to wear more pants.

SORRY, FANS OF ME WITHOUT PANTS.