Monday, September 25, 2006

Early Draft of Text Automatically Attached to the End of Outgoing Emails from Horizon Securities Ltd.

This message is intended only for the addressee. The addressee should print it out, and color it with Mr. Sketch Scented Markers. The result should be shredded and the shreds of colored paper should be used to make a piñata. In the piñata, you should place candy, preferably Chiclets. The following should never be placed inside the piñata: angry bees, infants, cigarettes, needles, glass, a second slightly smaller antimatter piñata, or uranium target rings (i.e., if the bat used to hit the piñata is also made of uranium; otherwise, this is OK).

Horizon Securities Ltd. (“HSL”) can melt things by looking at them. There are vending machines here that sell kittens. They are 45 cents and come in a small shoebox. You will not know if the kitten is alive until you open the shoebox, and the kitten’s fate is tied to the wave function of the atom, which is itself in a superposition of decayed and undecayed states until observed. The shoebox is beautiful.

HSL misses you. HSL has been staying up late reading old letters you wrote it a long time ago. HSL likes the way you make the loops in your L’s. HSL does not like your current “partner” because that person is “churchy.” HSL almost called you last night when it had had too many Maker’s Mark & Sodas (we are trying to make this our “signature drink”. HSL does not really think a new relationship with you would actually be viable, but can’t help but remember the one time when you were both trying to stay up all night because you had a final in Film History, and you didn’t say anything, you just looked at each other for hours and hours and hours.


Jeremiah said...

I am sorry, I had to flag this as objectionable content. Not that it is objectionable per se, its just that it seemed appropriate at the time.

Patrick M~ said...

That makes a lot of sense, because today is Opposite Day.

Personman said...

No it's not.