Friday, November 30, 2007

I had a dream last night that..

..January Jones from Mad Men was the same actress that played Woody's girlfriend on Cheers.

Just in case this is some Jungian Collective Unconscious Archetypical Domestic Circuit Oversoul Weltanschauung Dream or something, I looked it up and they are different people, so hey everyone: you don't have to look it up. I took care of it.

Also, in case it was not me dreaming that January Jones played Woody's girlfriend, but instead was January Jones as Woody's girlfriend dreaming she was me, then I guess that's cool too, but only if January Jones is wearing a nightgown and is firing a BB gun at her nextdoor neighbor's homing pigeons, with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth, while My Special Angel plays.


Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Irony mark؟؟؟؟

I just ran across this entry for the irony mark (؟); I like it, because it saves me the time it takes to type "!?!?!?!?!!?111!ZOMG111!!!!1".

Which is a long time؟؟؟

However, I notice that there is no option for upside-down irony marks. Therefore, Spanish-speaking people can only achieve half-irony.

Everyone: Duh, that's why The Spanish Tragedy is written in English.
Patrick: Right. That makes sense.
Everyone: And it explains Borges.
Patrick: You're right. Thanks. Maybe I can get into him now.

Oh, hey and get this: the "sarcasm mark" (¡) has its origins in Ethiopia.

So like in seventh grade when the kids in the back of the bus were saying, "What do you call an Ethiopian with a pickle on his head?" the correct response was neither "a quarter pounder" nor “While your insensitivity to the famine, the causes of which are largely due to the drought but also partially due to the civil war being fueled by US-backed insurgents, N.B., is perhaps an appropriately distancing response to the shelf-life the story will likely have in the US Media, it pretty callously ignores the actual terribleness of what is actually going on in one of the oldest, most multifaceted and diverse countries in the world, and if you’ll let me sit in the back of the bus I’ll tell you more, in particular about how I just ate injera for the first time the other day? And it was good?” but rather, "Funny ¡¡".


You know how it seemed like Europe was on board with helping everyone in Ethiopia and the US had to scramble to find people to pay attention and do anything about it and the paucity of giving a shit was why Dan Aykroyd and Kenny Rogers were both in the same video? I think I know the answer. The above joke at least works in America, but check this out:

Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a pickle on his head?
A: Royale with Cheese.


Although I think we can all agree a better title of the BandAid song would be:
“Do They Know It's Christmas!?!?!?!?!!?111!ZOMG111!!!!1”.

Think it through next time, Geldof, you mononippled bleedingheart.
(J/K! Keep up the good work!?!?!?!?!!?111!ZOMG111!!!!1)

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Patrick is Stupid, Part XXIV

I only just realized like right this second that the AoME book cover (the first one, not the dragon one)* was a riff on a Dr. Bronner's soap label.

Sam Potts, you devil!

* which is also awesome. I would buy more of that soap if it had a dragon on it.
Although, according to this (which frankly could use about nineteen "citation needed"s), that dragon is a "true friend to all", so I'm not sure why exactly its rescue and/or lunch is being overseen by the bitter glare of the ever-uncaring Triple Suns Plus, a very flattering portrait of the Author appearing within the Main Sun.

Maybe the Writer's Strike is stressing him out..?

Friday, November 16, 2007

Oh, OK...

I guess this explains that hastily typed press release from Redmond I saw about how the Zune will be "garlic-and-Shasta-powered" by second quarter 2008.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

this guy has a goatee, which should not surprise you

Someone a few cubes over from me was just talking loudly about something, and he said, "I know how to move a donkey, so..."

It was said, like, "Don't tempt me, because I WILL DO IT."

(maybe it was something he saw on TV, because prior to this, he was talking about how stupid the people on Wheel of Fortune were last night)

What's sort of also funny is the person he was talking to went, "What, you just hit it?" and the guy answered, "Well... there's a couple of other options too," in this totally I-know-something-you-don't kind of tone, which meant that his way of moving a donkey was going to be to hit it.

I don't have a broader point. I just hate it when people threaten to hit donkeys.

btw: no disrespect to goatees (mostly); all I meant was that he looked like he was reeeeeeally into Mythbusters.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Skin Disease: A Survey

Caused by stress, so it's only contagious if you think it is: THIS APPEALS TO OUR SENSE OF IRONY! Nice work, Shingles!

Hot Tub Folliculitis
Tip o' the hat to the 1970s!

Behçet's Disease
"Well? Shall we have mouth ulcers?"
"Yes, let's have mouth ulcers."
They do not move.

Paget's Disease of the Nipple
(1) We couldn't say the word "nipple" without thinking of the cover of Exile in Guyville for about nine years after that album came out; (2) Is this really named that for real?

A classic.

Is this different from boils? We're not sure, but it's the most inherently funny word we can think of right now, except for maybe "schmarbunkles".

My dad died from this.

A major subplot from the "Rip Van Winkle" story in early drafts of The Sketch Book of Geoffrey Crayon by Washington Irving, it was suppressed by the publisher, who, wait, that book was called "The Sketch Book of Geoffrey Crayon"? Really? WTF?

Kind of looks like you were trying to eat Fruity Pebbles, and not succeeding..? It is also known as "the kissing disease... maybe if you are blind?!?!?"

Fifth Disease
Laaaaaame. Please try harder, Integumentary Disease Taxonomists.

Cherry Angioma
If you can say this three times in a row and have it not be to the tune of "Gary, Indiana" from The Music Man then maybe we weren't meant to go steady, Brian.

"Shipoopi" is actually a song from The Music Man and you didn't know that. Strike two, Brian.

Marjolin's Ulcer
You have this. Strike three.

Bullous Pemphigoid
We were just thinking that this sounds like a character in a Douglas Adams book, and then we remembered Douglas Adams was dead, and we all got really sad. Fuck you, Bullous Pemphigoid.

Seriously. Just, fuck you.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

I am your fodder

I was sending someone an email and in it I wanted to make a reference to the Star Wars line about "millions of voices suddenly [crying] out in terror and . . . suddenly [being totally] silenced", and to make sure I got the line right I googled "voices cried out silenced" and result #5 was a verse from The Bible:

"When he saw Jesus, he cried and fell down"


I found that to be:

Related to this, I guess: Yoda is on stamps now..?

Remember in the early 90s when all of America had to vote on whether we wanted the Young Elvis or the Old Elvis on our stamps? I am happy that the Post Office is just making our decisions for us again, but I am reasonably confident that America would have picked old, creaky Yoda and not young, bouncing off the damn walls Yoda.

Therefore: Yoda is the inverse of Elvis.

When I saw young Yoda, I cried and fell down. Young Yoda sucked so hard, all that kinetic bouncing around and Space Parkour. The only thing preventing young Yoda from being 100% Total Suck was that at the end of all the bouncing he didn't go, "Parents are lame!" and then dip some Dunkaroos into green frosting while a heavy metal riff played. Also, if he had been a Space Jamaican, that would have sucked pretty hard too.

OK, so after typing "Space Jamaican" just now, I looked up Jar Jar Binks' entry on Wikipedia, and saw that he was "born c. 50 BBY" and I was all, "He was born in 50 Best Buys? That's like using a parsec to measure time! How do you plan to retcon that one, Nerd Apologists??" but that's not true, because read this on what "BBY" means; no, don't, I'll just tell you: it means "Before the Battle of Yavin". Now you are saying, "What the hell is Yavin?" I agree. Or, I guess, I too ask that. And so, I have done the work for you. And this was difficult work, as it required that I leave Wikipedia, and go to the Wookieepedia (I am being serious) for the entry on the Galactic Standard Calendar, which you should definitely click on that link because you will see what is either the funniest thing in the world or the most terrible thing in the world: because the "Battle of Yavin" is when the Death Star blew up in "A New Hope", so the Galactic Standard Calendar entry is one where the authors are struggling simultaneously to maintain Plausible In-Universe Chronological Continuity, but are still forced to recognize that the first time the Death Star exploded was the high point of their childhoods; hence: the article reads like someone trying mightily to justify a space station blowing up as a calendar reset moment, as opposed to, I don't know, a war (of Clones!) or even a virgin birth). How great! And sad! And how, like everything else post-original trilogy, it serves to make the "universe" smaller! But anyway the best part of it is throughout the entry, someone has put in wiki-style citation requests:
The Old Republic dated years from the Ruusan Reformation of 1,000 BBY.[source?] Prior to that, the Republic had presumably dated events from its founding in 25,000 BBY. [source?] The galactic standard for dating was once YY:MM:DD, which refers to years after the Great ReSynchronization, which took place on 00:1:1. [source?]
I am not 100%, but I think there may actually be some "weasel words".
Possible also a "peacock term"..?