Wednesday, June 25, 2008


I Use Google Chat to Supply Content For My Seldom-Updated Blog, Which Is Probably Bad Form

recbee: Hey Shearn: have a good death match tomorrow
moonlightambulette: Oy! Jeezus. Thanks. I'm a skeered.
recbee: here's a tip when facing a literary adversary: try to picture them without their eyewear
moonlightambulette: Ew! They all just look like moles that way.
recbee: They all look like Avogadro's number?? What are you talking about? Is this explained in your book?
moonlightambulette: Yes, it is explained in the book. But only in the hardcover edition. and only if bought new. and in bulk.
recbee: That is a good strategy. If I ever write a book; I'm going to do the hardcover in invisible "Yes/Know" ink and only include the decoding pen in the softcover.
moonlightambulette: Hey. You might be on to something there...
recbee: And then the audio book could detail how to make an antidote for the carcinogens that you absorbed using the first two books. I ACTUALLY MAY BE ONTO SOMETHING
moonlightambulette: HOLY SHIT YOU'RE GOING TO BE RICH
moonlightambulette: FUCKING FUCK. I'M OUT OF HERE

The proprietrix of Moonlight Ambulette, whom I have just demonstrated swears like a stevedore (and who broke up my writing group with her terrifying insouciance), has a book coming out.* The word on the street is that this book is terrific and also that the title of the book was once shouted by a sleeping Dave Eggers. This is a coincidence!

People of Earth: It would be nice of you to buy this book.
And New Yorkers specifically: You can see her tonight (Wednesday the 25th) at Opium Magazine's Literary Death Match where, based on the above exchange, she may or may not be LASIKing people with her mind.
Other People With Whom I Have Engaged in Google Chat: I will probably not betray you like this, assuming you have not broken up a writing group I was in.

* as do other people from my old writing group; for real, if you want a book published, join a writing group with me. Not all of my stories will be about eleven year olds in suburban Texas where pseudomagicrealist things happen! Not all of them fall under the category "Like David Mitchell If David Mitchell Had Zero Intellectual Rigor"!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

lycopersicum? I don't even know him

I got a sandwich for lunch today, which sandwich was allotted zero tomatoes, and in this way I found out about the TOMATO RECALL, which recall includes red Roma, plum and red round tomatoes (before you ask: Mortgage Lifters: still on the White List).

As a public service, here are some FAQs from the FDA site.

Am I safe if cook them?
The FDA does not recommend this.

If I wash the tomatoes, are they safe?
No. The salmonella might be inside the tomato, so washing won’t help.

What if I wash the inside with a darning needle and a loofah?
No. That's just— no.

Soak it in Dr. Tichenor's Antiseptic Mouthwash and then microwave the holy snot out of it?
Look, just don't eat them.

Should we head to the cellar?
That's not — That's tornados. That's a different —

What if I eat "cleared" tomatoes, say an SSE Brandywine, but I do it with my friends, Sam and Ella?
You're trying to make some kind of "Sam and Ella" / "Salmonella" joke, but it's not working, either as a joke, or as — OK, obviously, that would be OK. But if you have any questions about a tomato, then —

Did you know "tomato" translates to "Apple of Love" and that's why Puritans won't eat them?
Yes. No. You are getting this wrong. The legend says "Pomme de Maure" was misheard as "Pomme d'amour" but this is likely just a fabrication, so..

So if Puritans are immune to Salmonella, why are they all dead?
Is there anyone else who has any questions?

We want to know what killed the Puritans!
Many modern Presbyterian denominations are related to the Puritans. Questions about tomatoes only please.

If John Winthrop were here, would he think tomatoes are fruits or vegetables?
They're taxonomically fruits — technically berries — but "vegetable" is actually a culinary term, not a botanical one, so both are correct.

But Winthrop —
Winthrop would likely quote 1 Corinthians 15:37. Last question. About tomatoes.

Do you want to hear my parody of "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off" where I sing from the points of view of John Winthrop and Anne Hutchinson?

I say "Bible Study Leader"; you say "Salome", an'
I say "Covenant by Grace"; you say "Antinomian"

"Bible Study Leader!"
"Salome!" an'

"Covenant by Grace!"

Let's call the —


in conclusion, Puritans suck

I don't have any immediate thoughts

on Kottke's post about survival tips for if (when..?) one is unexpectedly transported to a random location in Europe during the Middle Ages (other than I agree with the one guy about Michelle Pfeiffer in Ladyhawke = helped me understand my burgeoning sexual feelings) (toward hawks), but the whole sort of stupid thought experiment reminded me that about six months ago, we were walking down the street, and Meg asked what I was thinking about, and I said, "Nothing," and she said, "What? Tell me," and I didn't want to say anything, but she finally got me to admit that I was daydreaming that Benjamin Franklin had traveled forward in time to 2007 and it was up to me to explain modern technology to him.

Franklin'd be all, "Have you seen this thing? It's called a Roomba."

Monday, June 09, 2008

I saw this headline in the Times gadget thing on iGoogle

And I totally thought it was about Clinton's concession speech.

It is not that I didn't think it was exceedingly weird, but I still thought that's what they were going for.