Tuesday, June 10, 2008

lycopersicum? I don't even know him

I got a sandwich for lunch today, which sandwich was allotted zero tomatoes, and in this way I found out about the TOMATO RECALL, which recall includes red Roma, plum and red round tomatoes (before you ask: Mortgage Lifters: still on the White List).

As a public service, here are some FAQs from the FDA site.

Am I safe if cook them?
The FDA does not recommend this.

If I wash the tomatoes, are they safe?
No. The salmonella might be inside the tomato, so washing won’t help.

What if I wash the inside with a darning needle and a loofah?
No. That's just— no.

Soak it in Dr. Tichenor's Antiseptic Mouthwash and then microwave the holy snot out of it?
Look, just don't eat them.

Should we head to the cellar?
That's not — That's tornados. That's a different —

What if I eat "cleared" tomatoes, say an SSE Brandywine, but I do it with my friends, Sam and Ella?
You're trying to make some kind of "Sam and Ella" / "Salmonella" joke, but it's not working, either as a joke, or as — OK, obviously, that would be OK. But if you have any questions about a tomato, then —

Did you know "tomato" translates to "Apple of Love" and that's why Puritans won't eat them?
Yes. No. You are getting this wrong. The legend says "Pomme de Maure" was misheard as "Pomme d'amour" but this is likely just a fabrication, so..

So if Puritans are immune to Salmonella, why are they all dead?
Is there anyone else who has any questions?

We want to know what killed the Puritans!
Many modern Presbyterian denominations are related to the Puritans. Questions about tomatoes only please.

If John Winthrop were here, would he think tomatoes are fruits or vegetables?
They're taxonomically fruits — technically berries — but "vegetable" is actually a culinary term, not a botanical one, so both are correct.

But Winthrop —
Winthrop would likely quote 1 Corinthians 15:37. Last question. About tomatoes.

Do you want to hear my parody of "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off" where I sing from the points of view of John Winthrop and Anne Hutchinson?

I say "Bible Study Leader"; you say "Salome", an'
I say "Covenant by Grace"; you say "Antinomian"

"Bible Study Leader!"
"Salome!" an'

"Covenant by Grace!"

Let's call the —


in conclusion, Puritans suck

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