Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Decision 2008

I don’t generally like to make political statements, but I think this is too important. Sorry to get all “serious”. Please hear me out.

There is a debate going on in this country today, and the results of this debate could change the course of a metaphorical river that I call “Where This Country is Headed: The River”.

Maximum Fun is pitting Leslie Nielsen against Liam Neeson in a winner-take-all match for our nation’s heart.
QUESTION: AND ALSO THE SOUL?
ANSWER: YES.

Earlier I advised everyone in the forum to factor the following in as they quantified each:

Neeson: Portrayal of Abraham Lincoln in upcoming biopic unlikely to capture Lincoln’s frisky side: minus 2 points

Nielsen: Appeared in the Streisand movie Nuts wearing only black bikini ginch gonchers: minus a million points

Some have questioned these numbers.
LET ME SAY CLEARLY AND WITHOUT WAVING MY ARMS OVERMUCH THAT I STAND BY THEM. (Full disclosure: I am bad at “math”.) Regardless, I had thought this would be enough, but right now, early exit polling has Nielsen at 58% and Neeson at 41%. WHAT IS GOING ON?

Now, before you say, “stop typing in all caps that means you are shouting and that is rude on the internet and anyway let’s just let google trends and bacon numbers which are the traditional barometers of popularity contests decide all of this,” let me just say, I AM NOT SHOUTING. THAT IS JUST YOUR INTERPRETATION AND IF I WANTED TO I COULD MAKE A COMMENT ABOUT THAT RUN-ON SENTENCE BUT I WON’T BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO SINK TO YOUR LEVEL .

And anyway:
Google Trends has “Liam Neeson” beating “Leslie Nielsen” pretty consistently, but Google Trends also has “Iraq War” beating “Taffy Apples”, so we shouldn’t really look to that as an indicator.

Similarly, both have a Bacon Number of two:
Liam Neeson 4 Love Actually 4 Colin Firth 4 Where the Truth Lies 4 Kevin Bacon
Leslie Nielsen 4 Spy Hard 4 Marcia Gay Harden 4 Rails & Ties 4 Kevin Bacon

NO HELP.

So let’s just examine the facts, shall we?

Leslie Nielsen
I agree with the general consensus in the forums (I CAN ADMIT THIS MUCH): he gets “props” for Forbidden Planet (and Poseidon Adventure) and some 50s-60s TV work, but he was clearly going to sink in the metaphorical river (a different one than above) that I call “Deservedly Slow Death by Appearances on The Love Boat (The Tributary)” when Zucker/Abrahams/Zucker tossed him a “life preserver” (metaphor again). Should they have bothered? Let's look at the post-Airplane! work.
(1) Police Squad!: LOL.
(2) 87% of the first Naked Gun (before you question this, note that I used “math” to come up with this number): Also LOL.

Wow! Four funny comedies! (note to self: check math before posting) GREAT JOB, OK, BUT THEN THIS IS CANCELED OUT BY: all the bad Naked Gun sequels — not only bad in and of themselves but look what they wrought: Repossessed; 2001: A Space Travesty; Dracula: Dead and Loving It; Spy Hard; Wrongfully Accused; a bunch of Scary Movies.. and these are just the ones that Nielsen was in. Additional alleged comedies by Nielsen include Surf Ninjas, Mr. Magoo and but also plus a bunch of stupid fucking instructional golf videos. (NEVER FORGET.)

I give him credit for this recent “What I Learned” thing in Esquire (though I take it for what it is: an obvious ploy to court voters), which I am man enough to say I liked slightly more than I disliked. (Hint! If you are distracted by the picture of Halle Berry, you can copy and paste the text into a Word document and read it there!)

But what has he actually learned? According to IMDB, he's appearing in another spoof called Superhero Movie.
YOU HAVE LEARNED NOTHING, LESLIE NIELSEN.

Now, Liam Neeson.
Unlike his “funny” opponent, Liam Neeson has been a guest on Beloved Comedy Apotheoses Saturday Night Live and The Simpsons. (Also Ellen!)

ALSO THIS JUST IN AS OF YESTERDAY: He also is apparently the narrator of a 3D movie about black holes that is being shown at the Adler Planetarium in Chicago, but which I did not see because that planetarium made me kind of depressed, so I left.

ALSO THIS JUST IN: Apparently, Leslie Nielsen actually was on an episode of Saturday Night Live in 1989. So “subtract” that (whatever that means).

ALSO: Um I think he was also the voice of Aslan?

OH, AND HE WAS IN KRULL (“A world light-years beyond your imagination”? More of that, please!)

ALSO: Unlike Leslie Nielsen, his last name is NOT MISSPELLED IN THE VERY FORUM where people are voting.



DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO YOU’RE VOTING FOR, YOU STUPID 58 PERCENTERS???! Maybe I should give him props for “Posiedon Adventure”, which is to say: NO PROPS THAT MOVIE DOES NOT EXIST DUE TO THE MISSPELLING OH BUT WAIT MAYBE NIELSEN CAN BE IN A PARODY OF IT, HOPE IT DOESN’T SUCK, WHOOPS GUESS WHAT IT WILL.

I think the choice is clear, but in case it’s not, please vote with me for:

“NOT LESLIE NIELSEN”.

Because that is a vote for a river that is going in the right direction; i.e., toward the “Sea of Awesome”.
And who doesn’t love a trip to the beach?


(Answer: Leslie Nielsen)

2 comments:

Brendan said...

It really said Rails and Ties instead of Mystic River.

Patrick M~ said...

Weird, right?
But check the taglines for each one, though:
MR: "We bury our sins, we wash them clean."
R&T: "When life comes apart, love puts it back together."

I think we can see why, as the saying goes, "Online Algorithms are Nature's Optimists."