Most alarming headline you will read today

No. It is not the one about the woman who upset people by cloning her pit bull ("Booger") five times and was subsequently shown to be linked to an abduction case involving a Mormon missionary in England, whom she handcuffed to a bed with mink-lined handcuffs and made her sex slave, and has now also been alleged (the woman has) to have instructed a 15-year-old boy to break into a house in Tennessee to steal some money the woman needed to buy a false leg for a beloved horse.

NO.
It is not that. Because the headline does not exist that could convey all of that. (Although we are happy to see that the Ghost of Michael O'Donoghue Now Working as a Copywriter is still working his magic.)*

NO.
The most alarming headline you will read today is:

Ernest Borgnine: "I Masturbate A Lot" (VIDEO).
(via, indirectly)


(It's that parenthetical that gets you.)

* Where is fakeghostofmichaelodonoghuenowworkingasacopywriter's tumblr, by the way? I'm way too busy setting up fakehenrydarger's tumblr to do this.

Sample posts:
> Just made some toast. Also, I think girls have tiny little penises.

> Been enjoying the Olympics. Interesting how you can barely see the tiny penises on some of the girl gymnasts.

> I've been thinking that I will change the name of my story to "The Story of the Vivian Girls, in What is known as the Realms of the Unreal, of the Glandeco-Angelinnian War Storm, Caused by the Child Slave Rebellion" from "The Story of the Vivian Girls, Who All Have Tiny Penises" because that would go without saying! Am I right, people?


..Sooo, someone else take charge here?
OKTHANKSBYE