Um, doy

"Dad, do you want to sit on the couch under a blanket and draw robots?"

Amabo Kcarab

(by Sam)

(that's the Washington Monument on the left)

(also: BLUE SHOES!)

NAC EW SEY!

sometimes a great notion

Following the one-two punch of a Wall-E viewing and a reading of The Lorax, my four-year-old and I have been talking a lot about recycling and taking care of the Earth. It's a frustrating business, but Sam had a plan to make everyone except the people we know leave the planet.

Tempting!
But we explained why that wouldn't work.

A few nights ago, we were talking about it again and he said, "I don't like it when people cut down trees to make paper," and I said, "Yeah, I know, but that's where paper comes from, mostly," and he said, "That's the part about the environment I don't like."

Last night we talked about it again, and he said he wanted me to email everyone and tell them, "Don't chop down trees to make paper. Just use recycled paper."

So that's what I'm doing (putting it here because I don't have your email).

Hey you: Stop chopping down trees.
Just use recycled paper.

Idea #2: you could also just read everything for free on the Internet and continue this millennium's practice of undoing all the work of the last millennium.

New song

Max and I wrote a new song. It's a duet!

I did the first verse and Max did the second one. I think it is the best song ever written, with the exception of "Say Say Say" which narrowly beats it because the video for "Say Say Say" features a hayride. "Video Killed the Radio Star"? YEAH UM I GUESS, DUE TO THE HAY RIDE.

anyway, here's the song

Verse 1
Oh yes, they're peas, peas, peas:
They are round and also green.
Peas, peas, peas:
They're the best that I have seen.
And if we were a monarchy, I'd feed them to our queen
Oh yes, they're peas, peas, peas:
They are round and also green!

Verse 2
No pea song, Dad.

Maxilla

Maxilla
Originally uploaded by mrbikferd

(I love how this picture of Max turned out so I am posting it on my personal weblog, or "blog", for people to see.)


Best kaijū ever!

Samapalooza!

Dandelion*
(a poem)
by Sam

there was a
dandelion
in the grass
for mom
and dad
and sam
and max
and mom

Max**
(a song)
by Sam

Maaaaaaaaaxwell Henryyyyyyy
I will give you some teeeeeeeeth
Then I will give you a treeeeeeat
Because I loooooove youuuuuuuu

Goofy I Love You: The Play***
by Patrick, but he's just transcribing, so really by Sam

(Patrick comes home from work and is talking to Megan. Sam, already in bed, hears him and calls out to him)
SAM: Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!
PATRICK: (Opens door, peeks in) Hey, kid, what's up?
SAM: I want to give you one of my "Goofy I Love Yous".
PATRICK: (Confused) You want to give me a "Goofy I Love You"?
SAM: Yeah!
PATRICK: OK...
SAM: I love you.... door!
PATRICK: (laughs)
SAM: I love you.... dresser!
PATRICK: That's pretty goofy, all right.
SAM: I love you.... walls!
PATRICK: Good night, Sam.
(Closes the door)
SAM: (from his room) I love you.... dragon!

EXEUNT OMNIS



* Suck on it, Apps!
** Sam was slightly alarmed three months ago (three months! Happy 25% Birthday, Max!) when he learned his brother did not have any teeth.
*** Note that there is a dragon marionette (one of those multi-headed slavic versions) hanging from Sam's ceiling. Dragons are not real (but don't tell Sam yet).

The Pedestrian

BoingBoing had a post last week about how Stephan Orsak's tasering mirrors the Ray Bradbury story The Pedestrian.

But BoingBoing! You are being silly and misguided again! As we all know, and as Bradbury has repeatedly said, The Pedestrian was not intended to be about police intimidation and brutality, but was meant as a critique of the newly fashionable "automatic transmission".

Of course, Bradbury lost that battle; maybe his beef with television will have fared better when Future Peoples look back at all this nonsense.

Fingers crossed!


Seriously, though: Dandelion Wine was so important to me growing up that my first born son's middle name is taken from the main character.

Therefore, I think I am allowed to say: Ray Bradbury, please stop being idiotic and stupid and sucking so much and acting like such a stupid, sucking idiot.
I am serious: I will fight you if it comes to that. I don't want it to, but I will fight you. Or at least send a robot to fight you.*


* This was one of the first stories of his I ever read, and I remembered that story was called something like Usher II but I had forgotten that the full title was April 2005: Usher II.

April 2005 used to be THE FUTURE!

Least Plausible Cloud Formations Spotted by My Two Year Old

(1) Lion kissing a dog.
(2) Bear kissing a giraffe.

Second Life

Assuming we don't find ourselves there before tomorrow, we're going to the hospital in the morning, and we're not leaving until we have a small infant in our hands.

Here is a short play about the last time this happened, two and a half years ago:

MEG: (in, like, labor) I can't do this!
PATRICK'S BRAIN: "'Can't'? Well! That's one contraction I didn't expect to see today!"
A DIFFERENT PART OF PATRICK'S BRAIN: Do not say that out loud.
PATRICK'S BRAIN: Right. Good tip.
MEG: (eventually has a baby)

EXEUNT

Anyway, that's going on.


Time to move, I guess.


v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^

Update, 3/27/07, 12:18pm: Meg eventually had a baby.
(Maxwell Henry Mortensen; 8 pounds 3 ounces; 21 3/4"; everyone doing fine. Also: Wet Swiffers and Baby Wipes? Not analagous. Repeat: NOT analagous.)

Late Bronze Age Babylonians Have a Leg Up On My Son: The Play

Sam, aged two, and Dad, somewhat older, are eating breakfast; Sam is having a cereal called "Puffins". Sam notices there are only three Puffins left.

Sam: Look, Daddy, three Puffins.
Dad: That's right, and do you know what happens if you eat one?
Sam: (confused)
Dad: Three minus one is...?
Sam: (confused)
Dad: Eat one. (Sam does) OK, you had three, and you ate one, and now how many are left?
Sam: (looks down) Two!
Dad: Right, three minus one is two! Now eat another one. (Sam does) How many are left? Two minus one is...?
Sam: (looks down) One!
Dad: Right, now eat that one. (Sam does) How many are left? One minus one is...?
Sam: (looks down) Milk!

EXEUNT

Eutectic Point: The Play

[Patrick and his two-year old Sam have been playing in the snow in Prospect Park and are now on their way to get hot chocolate at Parco, a nice cafe on 7th ave.]

Sam: (points to a truck) What's that?

Patrick: That's, um, that's a salt truck. Those trucks drive all around the city when it snows or ices, and they spread salt on the road and when the salt mixes with the ice, it lowers, I think this is right, it lowers the freezing point of the ice to something that's, you know, below the current temperature so even if it's freezing outside, the ice that's mixed with the salt needs a lower temperature than that to stay frozen, and so the salt makes the ice melt so cars can drive on it.

[pause]

Sam: What does pepper do?

[EXEUNT.]

Lies My Parents Told Me, When I Figured Out They Were Lies, and The Probability I Will Tell The Lies To My Offspring

• Santa Claus, existence of: June 18, 1977, 3:18pm; 100%
• Easter Bunny, existence of: June 18, 1977, 3:18pm; 100%
• Tooth Fairy, existence of: June 18, 1977, 3:19pm; 99%
• God, existence of: February 4, 1984, 6:27pm; 88%
• I can’t swim for half an hour after eating: July 4, 1981, 3:03pm; 73%
• The vitamins in bread are “in the crust”: April 22, 1977, 6:11pm; 2%
• Eating beef does not mean, as I posited, you are “eating cow muscles”: March 2, 1984, 6:18pm; 1%
• “Duty Free” is only for foreigners: (this actually might be true; I need to investigate further); N/A
• I can be President: October 11, 1989, 3:38pm; 78%
• I can be “whatever I want to be”: November 28, 1995, 2:14pm; 82%
• It’s not whether I win or lose: August 13, 1978, 11:31am; 80%
• It’s how I play the game: August 13, 1978, 11:32am; 79%
• Everything will be OK: February 3, 1973, 2:31pm; 100%

Back off, Lethem

Sara Gran totally stole my idea of writing about Vinegar Hill, so I had to build a small cardboard house out of the box the office chair we just ordered came in, in order to stake my claim.

Let the word go out to everyone:
I call dibs on writing about one-room cardboard houses on fourth floor walk-ups in South Slope.



N.B. Before any Architectural Critics (or “Snarkitects” as Heidi Julavits and I like to call them whenever we’re hanging out) raise the issue that I have assembled the bricks as if the house were constructed within the game “Breakout” (or “Arkanoid”, for you youngsters) as opposed to traditional staggered brick format, and that my method lacks “basic structural integrity” and is “doomed to collapse even more spectacularly than the downtown office complex project at 34th St. and Oak”, please note that the house is also assembled with a total of 407 Hurriquakes.

So shut it.

Our 69,105th post

My son just turned two, but about six months ago, I told him “Sam, go into your room and get a book and bring it out here,” and he did it, and I thought at the time, “Wow, he’s as smart as an Infocom game.”

This morning, though, when I was putting on his diaper, he rolled over onto his stomach, and I said, “Sam, flip over” and I got no response, so I said, “Sam, flip over so I can change your diaper,” and I got no response, so I said, “Flip over, Sam,” and got no response, so finally I said, “Sam, roll over,” and he did, which means he’s actually only as smart as “King’s Quest”.

Still pretty good! Keep up the good work!


I’m the kind of “really excited” that is “unfortunate for everyone around me” about “Get Lamp”, the documentary about text adventures that Jason Scott is working on. Those games meant way too much to me when I was eleven and a half.
A year or so ago, I was reading a list of bugs/nonsensical responses that you could get from the games, and it made them seem more intelligent (like the game was countering my nonsense with its own nonsense) or more realistic (in the reality of the game when you put a bottle into a sack and then try to put the sack into the bottle, of course they would both disappear).

Here is my all-time favorite bug, from Zork III:

> DUNGEON MASTER, KILL ME WITH THE STAFF
"If you wish," he replies.
If you insist... Poof, you're dead!
**** The dungeon master has died ****
The dungeon master follows you.
Your sword has begun to glow very brightly.

Compare that to Monday:

> ATTEMPT TO RUN REAL PLAYER ON MY WORK COMPUTER
“An exception 06 has occurred at 0028:C1183ADC in VxD DiskTSD(03)” the computer replies.
If you insist... Poof, you blue screened!
**** Your computer has died****
Your monitor has begun to glow very brightly.

Tomorrow, I’m going to teach Sam that when someone says “Hello, Sailor” to him, he should respond with “Nothing happens here,” and that before we turn on his nightlight he should request that we “frotz” it.
I will not stop until he is as smart as “Cornerstone”, at which point Activision will pay all of his outstanding debt. That, plus the TAP 529 we started should give him a head start.

> GO SAM GO